Biff and Buffy Part 1
Biff and Buffy Part 1
Let's set the stage: Biff and Buffy are a well to do couple
in their late 40's. Biff is a commodities broker and Buffy thrives
on upscale social activities. They are really great people who
have decided to bail out of snobby, high rolling society and join
the ranks of street rodding. Biff, being a cool dude met up with
a bunch of hot rodders and decided to hang out. After a deep discussion
with Biffy they decided to take out an Equity Line Of Credit on
one of their summer homes and buy a street rod. On June 26 1994,
they took delivery of a 34 hiboy roadster from the emporium of
"Billet Billy's Bought Rod Shop. They made a couple of evening
cruises around their suburban community and were ecstatic about
the smiles and attention they were generating from the local blue
and white collar population. What a car, it was great, they felt
like kids again. LET'S GO ON A ROD RUN!!! Let's take a week or
two off and do it up right- We'll just take off and hit the highway;
just wing it, eat at truck stops, stay at Motel 10's and enjoy
rodding on the road like everyone else does.
Saturday morning,lO:AM Biff and Buffy drive the Benze down to
the detail shop to pick up the 34 that has been spiffed up to
show condition by Jaun and Jose. Buffy starts to load up the roadster
with her luggage and discovers only half of it will fit. She's
cool, no big deal. Let's go hon, the Interstate is waiting.
10:15 AM. This thing doesn't ride quite as well as it did around
town does it? Aw what the heck, look at the scenery and everyone
on the road smiles at us and offers a happy thumbs up- Way cool
this
10:30 AM. Kinda windy huh? how ya feelin hon? Not bad Biff, but
this bouncing is starting to make my chest hurt a little. Do you
think Billet Billy can make the car ride a bit smoother? I don't
know but I'll give him a call when we get back home next week.
11:00 AM. When you call Billy next week ask him if he can't do
something about this seat. you know the problems I have when I
sit too long in one position. Tell you what... let's stop at the
next rest area and I'll dab on a bit of ointment... Maybe I can
find a scarf in my luggage too. My hair is going to be full of
knots pretty soon.
11:45 AM. Gee, must have left my cosmetics case in the Benze,
can't find my ointment. No matter, next town we come to we can
go shopping at a drug store. While we're there you had better
buy a bottle of Sun Block you're gettin a bit red.
12:00 Noon. Time to eat and there's a truck stop at the next off
ramp.
12 10 PM Biff, I'm really not too hungry- I don't want to go in
there looking like this. Aw come on, this is part of the fun.
I'll buy some gas while you freshen up, then we'll have a bite
and be on our way. Darn it, I punched the button to open the electronic
gas filler door and it didn't work. You think you've got problems?
You should see that filthy bathroom and there were a couple of
painted up ladies in there that looked like prostitutes. No big
deal the attendant pried the gas door open with a screwdriver
Billy can fix the broken latch and scratches when we get back.
Let's chow down.
12:45 PM. Don't ever stop at another truck place. Did you see
how those (ugh) truck drivers stared at me? The food was terrible.
We may have to stop pretty soon, I feel like I may have to do
the big do do. Yeah, me too, that was some pretty greasy stuff.
5 PM. Biff, I really gotta go. I've gotta too but we just can't
stop along the road. Well this bouncing car isn't helping matters
either. My boobies are bouncing and my butt itches and feels like
it's on fire. Maybe you should call Billy at the next road stop
and find out if there is something we can adjust to smooth out
the ride on this--this---this-- darned hot rod.
1 20 PM. Biff, I'm going to mess my pants if you don't stop..Just
hold it a little longer. Biff, you son of a #$@^*, don't you
understand. I gott'a potty! This is agony- Hold on Buffy, there's
a rest stop just up the road.
1:45 PM. Feel better now? Ya, how about you? Ya, me too. No more
truck stops. By the way honey, I tried to get a jacket and hat
for you out of the trunk but the electric latch won't work. When
we start up into the hills, those clouds up there are really going
to cool things off. But....the scenery will be beautiful..nothing
like an open car right?? Dead silence.--
2:15 PM. Sure wish the sun would come back out and the pavement
was a bit better. Well, I wish we were in the Benz! Can't we let
some air out of the tires or ..something? My bouncing boobs are
killing me. We've got to find a sports shop so I can buy a jogging
bra. Look honey, I'am gettin tired of hearing about those boobs
that cost me four thousand bucks and your hemroids. My back is
killing me and my right foot fell asleep when the cruise control
took a dump a hundred miles ago. The parking brake release is
lying on the floor and the #$@^* glove box door is falling off.
I tried to turn on the lights and those little doors in the hood
won't open. This is one unhappy street rodder. That locked up
trunk really ticks me off.I don't even know how were going to
get to our luggage. I'm gonn'a get a piece of that Billy when
we get home.
2:45 PM. Were going to stop in the next town. I'm going to call
Billet Billy, buy some tools and get a first class motel room.
This hot rodding stuff is really starting to mess with my brain.....
Tools?? You're buying tools? You don't even know how to open up
a tool box. The when you tried to fix a faucet you flooded the
#$@^* house. The last time you worked on a car a front wheel fell
off.
3:00 pm. Biff honey, I'm sorry. I know you're getting upset and
this whole trip is turning to PooPoo. Maybe things will get better.Thousands
of other people take vacations in their street rods... we can
do it too. When we get to the next town, you make your calls and
buy your tools .... but first, take me to a store so I can do
some shopping; I'm simply a mess.... Look Biffy, sweet heart,
I'm going to try and be real kind. We can't do anything until
I pry this #$@^* trunk lid open. Nobody in any of these hick #$@^*
towns gives a crap how you look so don't worry about the cosmetics
it looks like it's going to rain and we're going to freeze our
collective butts off and the water will just ruin this leather
upholstery. The most important thing on my mind is that car cover
in the trunk. So, stop with the beauty pageant crap, shut the
heck up and hope to hell we can get a suite in a decent #$@^*
motel.
3:30 PM. What do you mean the motel is booked solid? It's #$@^*
pouring down rain outside. My wife has a sensitive condition and
has to soak her butt in a bath tub. My car is getting wet, there
ain't hardware or auto parts house within 50 #$@^* miles. The
7-11 is out of Tucks and Preparation H. Everything electrical
on my car took a giant dump including the fuel injection system.
I'm so hungry I could eat the backside out of a skunk and you
tell me the dining room doesn't open till 5-blankin-30??? Where's
the #$@^* pay phone?
4:00 PM. Hello, Billet BILLY, this is Buff. Remember that 94 Duallie
and 30 foot trailer you tried to sell me last week? Well go over
to Jaun and Jose's detail shop and load my Benz into it. I'm way
the heck out here in Bum Flop Egypt trying to beat a bunch of
a-holes out of a room at the only flea bag motel in this #$@^*
burg of a town. Bring that rig up here so you can haul that piece
of crap you built for me back to your shop. What happened??? You
ask what happened? Everything #$@^* 'n thing happened. First of
all Buffy called a divorce lawyer because she got her hair wet
and one of her implants sprung a leak. The car shook itself apart.
Wait just a #$@^* minute, don't start in on me with chat hard
riding, low profile tire "warning" bull again. I know,
I know what you told me about that trick electrical stuff I wanted,
but that's neither here nor there. I'm HERE with a ticked off
wife with a blown out piles and a flat left boob. I've got a bad
back, my right leg is still asleep my car is getting soaked you're
THERE with a hundred grand of my #$@^* cash. CLICK! ...CLICK...
BUZZZZZ
4:05 PM. Billy, is that you? Can't we talk this over like a couple
of rational adults? Tell ya what: If you'll please come and get
us I'll buy the truck and trailer and even pay you to paint the
rig to match the roadster. I'm going to be a real street rodder,
I don't care how #$@^* much it costs.
